Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence,interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing.
He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?"
"My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up and I'vejust buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?'
Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's  because he's inside your fucking cat."

Joke 3

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. It was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that I soon was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to. She told me that she wanted to make love
to me just once before I got married and became committed to her sister for
life.
I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."  I was stunned.  I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  
I stood there for a brief moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. I was surprised to find my future father-in-law standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful
young woman was waiting for the bus.

Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn
to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover
she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people..."  

God continued, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be  extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God.  "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.  I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed.
"What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."